My mammie

Heaven received the most precious gift on September 24th, 2012 at 9:44am. And at the same time, I lost my Mammie. My mom lost her mommy, my aunt and uncles lost their mommy, their security, their protection, their guiding light, rowdy lost his great grand mammie. I am sure that all of Heaven was smiling, and that my Mammie's son, momma, daddy, brothers, sister, and grand baby were filled with joy to welcome her to heaven. I am sure that my mammie is now free of the aches and pains, free of the weight of this world, and free of all expired food, worry, bad weather, and bugs. I am sure that my mammie was saved and that she is walking side by side with Jesus, and I am sure she is still with me.
I am sure this void in my heart that I feel so strongly is unfillable by anyone else, and that only Mammie's memories, love, and lessons will be able to ease that pain. I am so very sure that she already loved my son, and I am sure she will know when he is born. I am sure she will smile. I am sure, and right now I'm also mad. I'm mad that my mammie was so excited for her new beginnings in Joplin, and that she was so happy to move into a nice place, so ecstatic about the glass stove top, despite worrying about keeping it clean, so ready to see a decent doctor and looking forward to feeling better. And just when she was looking forward to these things and more, she went to be with Jesus. I'd say the only thing better than a glass stove top and walk in closets is being in heaven. So I'm trying not to be too mad. I pray every day and every minute that mammie will hold me together, make me strong enough to not be angry at God. i can hear her saying 'you don't mean that'. And I can feel her answering those prayers. She was with me ALL day today. Every time I started to cry I could feel her drying my eyes and calming my heart.

There are a few things I am unsure of that I wish so badly I could ask her. I am 25 years old, I feel like I hadn't grown enough to think to ask her some of the things I wonder today. I pray that going through losing her will take some of the selfishness out of me. One thing she was not, was selfish. I hope I can be more like her in that way.

Please pray that my family will be strong, and that we will all feel God's love and presence, even during this time when it's so easy to be blinded.

I miss you so much, mammie.